Chapter 114

Consciousness seeped in slowly.  Not in any hurry to open her eyes, Allegra wondered what time it was.  Even without a clock or daylight to gauge by, she could feel the difference in her body.  She’d definitely been asleep more than an hour this time. 

Gently stretching, she froze the instant she registered a warm, sinewy arm looped over her waist, hand brushing her stomach.   Astonished eyes flew open and she was temporarily blinded by the bright sunlight streaming through the curtains of the blue bedroom in Jon’s guest house. 

Last night.  Richie.  He hadn’t left her.  They’d spent the remainder of the night in bed together, and she’d had what was arguably the best sleep of her life.  Allegra didn’t know how long she’d been out, but if the sun’s position in the sky was to be believed, sunrise had passed many hours ago.

A joyful gladness filled her heart.  Thank you, God. 

Richie stirred, his grasp on her waist slackening a bit.  “How’s the morning sickness been?” he asked groggily, thumb stroking against her belly.

She was in bed with the man she loved, where they’d slept peacefully together all night.  His arm was draped over her affectionately, and his first thought upon waking was to ask about her morning sickness.  If she’d scripted the perfect wake-up it couldn’t have made her any giddier. 

Things are back the way they belong.

Smiling radiantly, she flipped and flopped under his arm until she was nose to nose with him.  “Good morning,” she whispered, lips lightly touching his cheek in a feathery kiss.

“Morning,” he mumbled, releasing her and turning his head to the side.

“To answer your question, I haven’t had any morning sickness.”

“Really?”  Richie scratched his head and then dropped his hand to rub the sleep from his eyes.  “It seems like Heather puked from the time Ava was conceived until she was about six months along.”

Allegra took a perverse pleasure in imagining the actress huddled over the toilet in misery.  Apparently being pregnant was something Allegra did well.  She hoped her aptitude extended to actual parenting skills.

“I guess I’ve just been lucky.”

With a yawn, he pushed himself into a sitting position without looking her way.  “We should probably finish our little chat from last night.  The one you fell asleep in the middle of,” he noted, swinging his feet from the mattress to the floor.  “But I need some coffee first.  Do you want some?”  he offered, hitching up the baggy basketball shorts he’d worn to bed.

“Hey, I’m grateful for falling asleep, not sorry.  It had been so long, I was starting to get a little loopy.”  Allegra dropped her feet to the opposite side of the bed and stood in one smooth motion.  “But as a goodwill gesture, I’ll make your coffee for you.  I think I’ll have some juice.”

Pausing in the doorway, she took in his messy hair, sleep creased face, at least two days’ beard stubble and shorts riding low on his hips.  Beauty was truly in the eye of the beholder, because if it had been any other man, at most she would’ve thought he might clean up nicely.  In Richie’s case – she’d never seen anyone more handsome. 

“I love you, ya know.”

Richie smiled faintly and guided his steps toward the bathroom.  “You may have mentioned that a time or two.  I’ll be in as soon as I brush my teeth.”

He didn’t say it.  Does that mean something, or is he just not awake yet?  Or am I just expecting too much, too soon?

With her mind frantically scrambling to identify all the possible hidden meanings in his actions, she headed for the kitchen and began gathering necessary supplies from the cabinets.  She had the coffee brewing by the time he appeared in the entry of the kitchen, pulling a t-shirt over his head.

“What’s with the Giants shirt?” he asked casually, nodding at the nightie that hung to her knees.  His long frame was propped in the doorway, arms folded across his chest.  “I didn’t think you ever wore anything but that Care Bear thing.”

“I borrowed it from Steph.  All of my things are still at the cloister.  David wouldn’t let me go back and get them once he found out Felix had been there.”

Nodding without meeting her eyes, he told her, “I’ll take you over to get them this afternoon.”

Things felt... strange.  He had yet to look at her this morning, and there was none of his usual affection and warmth.  Instead he was politely distant – almost as though she were one of his fans.  How could he go from holding her all night to this?  Had he changed his mind?

“That’s okay,” she gave him the opportunity for a graceful escape.  The cabinet door thudded closed with a little more force than necessary after she’d extracted his mug.  He didn’t act like he even wanted to be here now, much less trapped in a car with her for three hours.  Quite frankly, she may not be up to it herself if this is what she had to look forward to. “Dot or Jon will probably go with me if I ask.”

Moving into the room, he withdrew a chair and tucked his long legs under the table with a frown.  “You don’t want me to go?”

“I’m just saying you don’t have to,” she clarified.  Allegra brought the carafe from the counter, and he leaned back so that she had room to pour the coffee without burning him. 

“Thank you,” he murmured when his cup was filled with the dark, steamy brew.  Stirring in some sugar, he watched and waited as she replaced the apple juice in the refrigerator and carried her glass to join him at the table.

As soon as she’d seated herself across from him, he blew out a frustrated sigh.  “Allegra, talk to me.  Why don’t you want me there?”

“No Richie, YOU talk to ME.  I thought you were going to try?  This… impersonal conversation doesn’t really fit my definition of the word.”

“I am trying.  Just give me some time.”

“Are you going to continue to act as though you’re barely tolerating me while I do?  Because if it’s such a hardship for you to be with me, then please don’t bother.  I’ve apologized and promised to make an effort to think more like a couple.  I don’t know what else you want from me.”

She looked at him expectantly, and he met her gaze for a time, the mahogany depths of his eyes conveying a silent message of disappointment.  He finally dropped his scrutiny to the table’s surface.

“Actually, you haven’t.”  He lifted his mug, blowing lightly on the steaming coffee before taking a cautious sip.

“What?”  Confusion furrowed her brow as he replaced the mug in its spot before him.  “Yes I did.  Remember?  I promised, and then asked you to be patient.”

His shaggy head bowed in agreement.  “I remember perfectly.  But you never apologized.  Not one time did you say you were sorry.”

“But…”  She frantically searched her mind, knowing that she had to have said the words at some point.  Replaying every moment of last night on fast forward, she found that it just wasn’t there.  Allegra realized she’d been so busy defending herself that she, indeed, hadn’t told him.

“You’re right, I haven’t.”  Allegra reached across the table, coaxing his fingers from the coffee cup to intertwine with hers.  “But I am,” she whispered, her sincerity locking their eyes together.  “I’m sorry that I was too stupid to turn to you the minute I heard the news.  I’m sorry that I left you wondering and waiting.  I’m sorry that you weren’t the first person to find out.  I’m sorry that I hurt you.”  She placed a soft kiss on his knuckles.  “Because hurting you is the last thing I EVER want to do.”

“But you DID.”  Richie detached his hand from hers.  “Right now I think you’re saying the words because I’m asking you to.  You don’t really comprehend what you did to me.” 

He pulled at his earring in agitation as he opened up with what had been going through his mind since she’d dozed off last night.  Thinking about it late into the night, he’d only come up with one way to illustrate it to her.

“Allegra, there’s something I need to tell you.”  Richie stared at her somberly.  “I had a routine appointment with my doctor that turned up something that I didn’t expect – the early stages of lung cancer.”  Disregarding her gasp of horror, he continued.  “I was devastated with the diagnosis, but don’t have anybody but myself to blame because of the years that I smoked.  It only seems right that I go through everything by myself – the chemo, the radiation – so that I don’t inconvenience anybody else with my problem.   I know you all love me, but there’s nothing you can say to change my mind, because it’s my body and my decision.”

Stunned silence met his announcement, but he could see the emotions skitter across her face as loudly as if she’d spoken – shock, sympathy, hurt, betrayal.  He also saw the moment that they all became too overwhelming to bear.  Tears shone like diamonds in her eyes, and her mouth turned downward with a quiver.

“But… why would you keep that from me?  Everyone?”

“Why not?  Does it seem strange that I wouldn’t tell the woman I’m in love with?  And that I don’t want her help and support with such a life changing ordeal?  If it helps, I had planned to tell you in about seven weeks, when I find out how everything’s progressing – that is, if the prognosis is good.  Otherwise I was just going to disappear without a word.”

Comprehension dawned that the picture he painted was just that – a depiction of an unspeakable horror in order to make a point. 

Blue eyes turned from tearful to self-reproach, and she closed them in shame.  It wasn’t a potentially terminal illness that she had, but it was no less life-altering.  He’d made it clear that she wasn’t an island unto herself, and she didn’t have to be.  Family and friends were there to pick up the burden when it got to be overwhelming.  And so was Richie.

“Did you feel that?” he asked.  “NOW you’ve experienced a taste of what you did to me.  It sucks, doesn’t it?”

The rhetorical question was disregarded by Allegra for a far more important one.  “Can you forgive me?” she whispered.

During the course of his monologue, her whole countenance had changed, and Richie knew that she GOT it now, in no uncertain terms.  That was all he’d needed.

That accomplished, he decided that she’d suffered enough.  She went through her own kind of hell the past few days and now this.  He’d made his point excruciatingly clear and carrying his anger out any further served no purpose.  It didn’t even make him feel better anymore.

Without a word he reached for her hand, encouraging her to stand.  Then a gentle tug steered her to his side of the table, where he turned in the chair making his lap more easily accessible.  He guided her hips to sit, draping her bare legs over his, and a gentle thumb nudged her chin up so that he could meet her eyes.

Now it was time to move on.

“Yes,” he whispered just before he kissed her.

A sigh parted her lips and he took advantage of the opportunity to leisurely slip his tongue inside and reacquaint himself with her taste.  Sipping gently from her mouth, his hands buried themselves in her hair and secured her position until he could drink his fill.

After he’d lifted his head, moist lips remained slightly parted and her eyes slowly fluttered open.

“You DON’T have cancer do you?” she asked worriedly, tracing her finger along his cheek.

Richie gave her a crooked smile.  “Not that I know of.”

“You know that was cruel.”

“A little bit maybe,” he conceded.  “But it was no crueler than what you did to me – all of us.  At least I didn’t drag it out for a week.  If I were you, I’d consider the fact that you may owe everyone else an apology too – but that’s just me.”

“Did you ever hear of beating a dead horse?”

“Fine, fine.  We have more important things to talk about anyway.”

“You mean the baby?”

“That’s exactly what I mean,” he affirmed, tucking her head into the crook of his shoulder.

She nodded against his chest, switching tracks from the past to the future.  Very conscious of the agreement she’d made only hours ago it was important that she choose her words carefully.  Rather than staunchly announce that she refused to have an abortion, Allegra quietly questioned, “We agree that abortion isn’t an option, don’t we?  Because I don’t want to have one.” 

“I never dreamed that you would, nor would I ask you to.”

“Okay, good.  So we’ll just wait out the next six weeks and have the paternity test?”

He snorted.  “And then what?  If the test proves that I’m the father, we live happily ever after?  If not, then you take the baby to visit Felix in jail?”  Richie shook his head defiantly.  “No.  That’s not going to happen.”

“Okay, what’s your suggestion?”

“Assuming that we would work everything out between the two of us, I came up with what I think is the only acceptable solution.”

“And that is…?”

“There will be no paternity test.  I don’t want to know if I’m not the biological father.  This is my baby – OUR baby.  End of discussion or speculation.” 

“Are… are you sure about that?  You’re not always going to wonder?”

How could he NOT wonder?  Would he spend the rest of his life looking at this child and wondering whose brown eyes it had, his or… the other man?

“No.  I’m not.  I remember that night we spent together in Detroit.  We made the most beautiful love, and THAT is what a baby’s conception should be like.  I simply can’t let myself believe that this pregnancy could come from the alternative, and I refuse to.  Besides, why should an innocent child suffer because of circumstances we didn’t have control over?  I can – and will – love and provide for it.”

Her eyes misted.  She didn’t know how he could possibly mean it, but he seemed sincere and adamant.  And, honestly, she was glad.  A huge weight of uncertainty had just been lifted from her shoulders.

Nodding, she agreed.  “Okay, if that’s what you want.”

“It is.”  There was no room for argument in his tone or the set of his jaw.

Allegra lightly petted the hand that had her pinned to his lap, contemplating.  “So where do we go from here?  What do we do now?”

“We do what we should have done from the beginning – tell our families that we’re having a baby.”